Were you in an unconscious marriage?
Have you ever wondered why divorce rates are so high? I sure did when I became one of those statistics. I then wanted to help others get through this hard time so they could feel supported and understood and then start to create their own ‘what’s next chapter’.
I now have the privilege that I get to speak with a lot of people going through a divorce. They share what happened before, during and after the split. Most people have asked themselves at some point ‘How or why did this happen?’ They talk about blame and fault but rarely dig deep, because they just don’t know how.
They have what I call a “surface level marriage.” They got together, thought they had met ‘the one’ and that they had the same interests, discussed a future together and left it at that. Just ‘assumed’ you were on the same page about kids, where you would live and what you wanted from your future.
The simple answer to why most marriages end, is that ‘you just grow apart’. There is obviously more to it when you look below the surface. But let’s keep it simple for now. I believe that many married couples, who appear happy on the surface, everything looks great on your Facebook posts and pics. Are often slowly slipping away from each other, without even realising. You might be aware that something is not right in the marriage, but you just don’t want to face it. Think things will work out. Before you know it, you are headed for Splitsville.
In a last ditch attempt to save a very rocky marriage, you see a counsellor. But sometimes it is just too late or we can’t find the courage to admit the marriage is over. You have emotionally left the marriage already. The actual separation is just a formality.
For some couples I have heard the wife came home from work to find out he has packed his bags and is moving out. It seemed to come from the blue, no warning at all. Ummm, not if you were actually ‘consciously’ in your marriage it didn’t.
Most of us get to this point because we don’t know how to communicate effectively. We communicate with the intention of a reply and not so much to hear what was really said. Men don’t understand women and vice versa. No, we are not from different planets … however, we are wired completely differently.
We think a relationship based on interests and sex is enough to keep the fire lit, til death do us part.
Generally we get caught up in the daily grind of routine. Get up, get ready for work, kids to school or care, come home, cook, clean, tv and sleep, maybe sex, maybe not. We share a great meal and a bottle of wine and talk about the day. B.O.R.I.N.G.
How often do you peel back the layers and dig deep to what your partner wanted in life. Shared each other’s goals, dreams & desires. What you want to create together, how could you make your partners day better and what things were you grateful for?
We talk about ‘surface level’ things, like football, what happened on Facebook, maybe some in justice in the news. What do you want to watch on TV tonight? How was your day? I’ve done this. I think most of us have. Who really digs deep, makes a conscious effort to get to know your partner, before and during their marriage?
Digging deep involves finding out their love language and remember it, acting on it. What is their ‘kryptonite’, how do they want to be communicated to. Do you know your partners behavioural style and why they do what they do. Do you know their dreams, goals, wishes and desires from life. What is their purpose and what are they most passionate about. Do you know and love all their annoying habits and love them because of this?
When you talk on this level, their taste in music is irrelevant. It uncovers who they are at their core. I know I want a love like this, one where I can look at my guy and say ‘I see you’.
Can you really say and mean that to your partner.
Are you consciously married or unconsciously married? Are you going on date nights and finding you have nothing left to talk about? Maybe you could ask ‘What is the one thing you are most passionate about in life?”
Do you know what your man wants from his woman, and vice versa?
Do you know that most men hate talking about their day at work?
If you didn’t ask these questions in your first marriage, I guess now you know why it was just a dress rehearsal.
Until next time …
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