A divorce party you say hey, so what is all that about anyway. I was interviewed about divorce parties and the benefits for a national publication, the Herald Sun, back in June, you can check out the article here… https://goo.gl/Y9CRik
A divorce party, well mine anyway, was about being an empowered, confident and sassy singleton again. Getting back out into life again and enjoying all life has to offer.
Having a divorce party can be hard to understand for some so let us start with what they are not.
A divorce party is NOT about bashing your ex or constantly talking about them in a bad way or throwing darts at their face. Although, I guess for some, that may be therapeutic at first, however….
A divorce party is not about regretting the marriage. In fact, it is the complete opposite. A divorce party is about a new chapter in life. Celebrating the piece of paper that officially declares you single. It is about all the things you have done in the year and a day since the separation.
For me, it was the fact that I had relocated, I had handled the paper work and delivery of the documentation for the divorce all by myself. I turned up in court and stood up for 2 minutes before the judge and presto, done, that simple. In that time, I had put a BBQ together all by myself, and about 52 or so other things that I have also written about. I had two very happy kids that I had most of the time. I had regained some confidence. I had been overseas twice on my own and was finding my sparkle again.
On the night of the divorce party I had my closest friends who had been there with me through the nights of tears and laughter, the new tattoo, the new wardrobe. Had given me hugs when needed, had helped clean my house, cook meals and be there for me.
That was me and my journey….read on for tips on your own divorce party.
** image is courtesy of Herald Sun Andrew Tauber **
The Princess and the Penis
So I see this image on a very well known business networking Instagram page and I have to double take. I am having this internal dialogue of, WTF, what is with this, how is this positive….
Initially I was taken aback because 2349 liked the pic, gave it the double tap heart, and as I scrolled over the comments of 100 or so, only one other person had remarked about the ‘Becoming A Bitch’ title. So, did everyone like it because of the page it was on, and not really give any consideration what so ever to the image and message? Or, are 2249 people OK with this? With becoming a princess bitch who has all her own money and needs no one?
I wonder, are they happy or are they liking for the sake of liking. Or maybe they absolutely think this is a normal way of being. Now, I don’t know their marital status and if you have just come out of some shit storm of a divorce and been totally screwed over by some over charging lawyer, then managed to rebuild, well perhaps I can see the point.
I lost a shit tonne of money in my settlement, like $100,000 thanks to bad judgement and not listening to my lawyer or my intuition. But I take that on board. I still don’t want to feel this way as the meme (if that’s what I call this) suggests.
But who am I to judge and have an opinion right?
The idea of HER OWN and HER OWN and HER MONEY .., someone is surely angry and pissed off right?
I get it though, I would never ever combine all my bank accounts with anyone ever again. Never. The thing is, no one should anyway. That’s another topic of ace convo. It goes along with identity, control and doing what ever the fuck I want with my money and not having to justify it to anyone, and vice versa.
Can you imagine some kinda semi brattish chick going ‘my money’ ‘my castle’ ‘my this, my that’??
How’s that working out for you?
So I get more curious and I think about this a bit more…cause I do that.
I feel like I could wear a sign on my forehead that says ‘f*ck off, I don’t need anyone’. And then build a big moat, coat my body in armour and not let anyone in because I have MY OWN castle and I take care of ME.
I wonder, who else get’s this image like I do or who loves it, either way is good. I have to get male input, cant only be me and my female friends.
One of my 1600+ Facey friends says ‘too many emasculation swords there. However if there was a Queen there that was open, honest & feminine whilst home & admitted whist I don’t “Need” a man I freaking “WANT” one then let’s look at the possibility’.
Another friend, whom I met on Tinder, was worried about the apron, but then said ‘No problem here except I would comment that independence and femininity can happily coexist …… there’s no mention that there is no man in that picture …. (but only a feminine one would be ok with this – oh that’s my addition to his comment BTW) but it begs the question for most women which is to not lose yourself in the fight for yourself…. but that’s only a question that remains to be answered in this meme …. I think people’s reactions here are about applying past experiences of observing women burst out of the gates of chauvinism so hard that they become something that makes them something they’re not …. a product of mistreatment rather than an expression of true self.’
Then one of my other lovely friends says ‘Bitch means that I am strong, beautiful and not every man can have me’. She is right, not every man can have us and could we can choose another more empowering word to use?
In a nutshell and further to my take on it, (and my bestie Nadine)and the big fuck off on the forehead. If you don’t need a man for anything, then why would he want you? Where is there room for this amazing man in your life?
We all need to feel a sense of being needed. And there is a big difference between NEEDY and WANTING someone. Better yet, a DESIRE to be with someone and want them in your life.
There’s nothing wrong with being able to provide for yourself, it’s important, a man is not a financial plan. There needs to be some harmony. A man generally “wants” to be able to take care and provide for his woman. TV says so, I just watch an episode of Mistresses (ha ha I hear you, but this guy, hot plastic surgeon, gifts his fiancé a brand new Teslar) and even he says ‘he wants to take care of his fiance’ while discussing a pre-nup that he doesn’t want. Which can be done in lots of ways. As too, a woman generally ” wants ” to be able to take care of her man and feel needed, when she truly embraces her femininity.
It’s human nature. The brilliance of be-ing human. We are all different and then somewhere, down there, we are all wanting the same. Love and connection at it’s finest.
Ladies, if we do not have the ability or we are not open to ‘receive’ (and want to get around in aprons), no doubt, we will end up very fricken alone AND lonely. So this Princess is not likely to get any penis.
With love and sassiness
OR what if we thought more like this……
For us single parents at Christmas time, let’s get real and really real. Sometimes it is easier to NOT to feel. To push our true feelings under a rug, ‘fake it til we make it’, or try and escape the reality of the situation. To stay busy. There is no time to pause, reflect and be in the present moment of how you are actually feeling. Especially at this time of year. When all the happy (or pretending to be) couples do their family celebrations. Post amazing happy family pics onto Instagram. The reality for many solo parents is, this is a tough time of year. Unless you have been through it, you have no idea. Sure, we can focus on the good and positive things in our lives and yes, in the coaching and personal development space, that is what we teach and are taught. However, that journey may not be for everyone. There is still the reality to deal with, the facts to face, the lessons to learn. This time of year can bring up past memories of when we were happy families and the excitement of seeing your kids unwrap presents, but also, when you too received a gift from your significant other. It can also make you miss what you had planned for the future. I have decided to ask some male friends of mine for their thoughts and ideas about being away from their kids at this time of year and how they too deal with the emotions and situations post separation and divorce. Some separated couples buy their children gifts for the other parent. Some do not. Check out this post that went viral from a ‘now Facebook friend’ in Boston wrote about this. When I originally saw this post I just had to share it and now even more so. Could you do this exact same act for your children and your former partner? Billy openly says ‘It took time and work to get to this phase of our relationship’. How could you too be an example to your children that makes them proud in 10, 20 years time? You can read the full article in the Independent Journal Review on this link. http://ijr.com/2016/10/722409-when-dads-kind-birthday-gift-for-ex-wife-has-his-friends-puzzled-he-explains-who-its-really-for/ Then closer to home, here’s what Tim, divorced Dad of 4 says : “Yeah, it hurts to be away from your kids at Christmas time. I mean it’s your kids who bring Christmas to life, however it is so important to remember to be there for them, even if from afar. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing better than waking up with your children on Christmas Day. Not being with them feels like a piece of me is missing. I have to remind myself what is important. I try to do everything I can to create good memories for my kids. They deserve nothing less.’ How can you create magic moments for your children? I think it is really important to share in their excitement of having two Christmas’s and what gifts they receive from other family members. Note to self, might need to buy less next year. How are you really feeling with Christmas only being 3 days away? I miss sharing that day with a significant other. I miss unwrapping a surprise and I also miss buying someone else a present too. I am so grateful that Xmas last year, Mother’s Day this year and my birthday just recently, that two of my close girlfriends have stepped up, seen what the kids need and bought presents for them to give to me. It has made the smile on my two little people’s faces even bigger to feel ‘they bought Mummy a present’. Right now, I miss that I will not spend Xmas Eve with my two little people for the second year in a row. We celebrate from 11am Xmas day and then for the next day to wake up with the kids and unwrap a few presents on Boxing Day. It is what it is. I know that they are happy and having fun, which is what matters most.
Here are my TOP 3 tips to deal with the festive season
- Stay off social media if it is too hard for you. There is no need to compare your situation to another family’s photos.
- Get social, and by this I mean, the connected type of social. Surround yourself with family at a gathering or friends at a new bar.
- Know that it is just ONE day in the year, maybe two, but not the whole year. It is ok to feel a little sad, then let that go and enjoy the celebrations.
Know that all those feelings are OK. It is how you deal with them that is important. Do you need to pick up the phone and speak to a close friend and let them know how you are feeling? Do you need a professional to assist you? Or do you need a good cry – go do that too. You can also request to join my closed Facebook group and be surrounded by likeminded women too. Who knows who you may be spending next year with or perhaps you will find this time a little easier as the years pass by. Make the most of the day and who you are with, and do focus on the good and all that you have. Focus on all the good that came from the relationship and all the good your former partner brought to the relationship. It is the time for happiness and forgiveness.
Should I Leave?
Asking the question “Should I leave my husband?” has got to be THE hardest question we ask ourselves. That is the million dollar question over half the married population ask on Google. Or it is something you never thought you’d be ‘Googling’. Riddled with self-doubt, sprinkled with confusion and a tonne of fear and a pinch of guilt. Most likely not even knowing exactly how you got to this very position you now find yourself in.
Many of the women I speak with have told me how much they went ‘looking’ for the right answer online. Something to give them the right ‘sign’ how to leave or how to fix the marriage.
In my upcoming book “Separation Success” I cover the Top 20 Questions people have mentioned to me or written to me about.
How do you really separate your emotions during your separation?
For us fabulous women reading this, and yes YOU, you are fabulous, no matter what. We are wired to be emotional, to be nurturing, to show our feelings and to actually give a shit. And guess what, that is A-Ok.
However, emotions and separation and divorce and a successful separation at that, do NOT go hand in hand. Simple truth my friends. Take it from me, who has been through (and yes, still going through) and epic tsunami of a freakin’ divorce.
Is to be grateful. Yes, you heard me, be grateful. Be grateful for the great times in your marriage, be grateful for a fresh start, be grateful for the lessons you have learnt from the marriage that was just not meant to last.
When my world as I knew came to a bitter end, I felt lost and alone, even though at this very point that I was introduced to gratitude, I was with my parents in the McLaren Vale South Australia. At the time I was dealing with high anxiety and needed all the support I could muster.
This night I text a lovely lady that I knew who was very spiritual and did energy healing. I text her and said my marriage is over, I don’t know what to do, I am asking for help. She replied with ‘Be grateful’ and then a few other words of encouragement.