Is to be grateful. Yes, you heard me, be grateful. Be grateful for the great times in your marriage, be grateful for a fresh start, be grateful for the lessons you have learnt from the marriage that was just not meant to last.
When my world as I knew came to a bitter end, I felt lost and alone, even though at this very point that I was introduced to gratitude, I was with my parents in the McLaren Vale South Australia. At the time I was dealing with high anxiety and needed all the support I could muster.
This night I text a lovely lady that I knew who was very spiritual and did energy healing. I text her and said my marriage is over, I don’t know what to do, I am asking for help. She replied with ‘Be grateful’ and then a few other words of encouragement.
I ask you, ‘is One really the loneliest number?”
I was recently asked to contribute to Lift Magazine by Naomi, who is also a single mother to one son. You can check it out here https://liftmagazine.com.au/magazine/current-issue/ and we chat about loneliness and my journey.
Then one of the ladies I work with weekly recently asked me “How do I deal with my first Christmas as a single parent?” She was quite upset that this would be the first Christmas where her three children would not be with her on Christmas morning. It can be one of the most challenging times for a newly single parent.
So I thought with the festive season fast approaching sometimes the ‘stigma’ with the status of being a ‘single mum’, can get the better of us. Sometimes this happens without us even knowing and then wham bam a bit of a ‘poor me’ kind of day. Those days are ok to have from time to time and so are the feelings. It reminds us that we are human. Special holidays that the whole wide world (well, most of it) celebrate can be trying in the early days of life-after-separation and divorce. Especially, if you haven’t re-partnered yet. Seeing all these ‘happy family’ pics all over social media can sometimes pull at our heart strings. Remember, natural and human.
Were you in an unconscious marriage?
Have you ever wondered why divorce rates are so high? I sure did when I became one of those statistics. I then wanted to help others get through this hard time so they could feel supported and understood and then start to create their own ‘what’s next chapter’.
I now have the privilege that I get to speak with a lot of people going through a divorce. They share what happened before, during and after the split. Most people have asked themselves at some point ‘How or why did this happen?’ They talk about blame and fault but rarely dig deep, because they just don’t know how.
They have what I call a “surface level marriage.” They got together, thought they had met ‘the one’ and that they had the same interests, discussed a future together and left it at that. Just ‘assumed’ you were on the same page about kids, where you would live and what you wanted from your future.
The simple answer to why most marriages end, is that ‘you just grow apart’. There is obviously more to it when you look below the surface. But let’s keep it simple for now. I believe that many married couples, who appear happy on the surface, everything looks great on your Facebook posts and pics. Are often slowly slipping away from each other, without even realising. You might be aware that something is not right in the marriage, but you just don’t want to face it. Think things will work out. Before you know it, you are headed for Splitsville.
What Mother’s Day is ‘Really’ Like for a Single Mum
What Mother’s Day Is Really Like for a single Mum
What is Mother’s Day ‘Really’ like for a single Mum? Just like any other day of the week. Yep, it’s that simple. Most of Mother’s Day becomes just like any other day of the week. Sure you get a gorgeous handmade card and a pressie they bought at school or maybe even made themselves (which is my favourite kind). However, take all the “Hallmark” moments away and it really is just any other day.
My ex and I split up 3 years ago almost to the day. That particular Mother’s Day was a challenging day to get through because it was just me and the kids. They were teeny too, only 3 and 4 years old, so I understand that their cuddles were enough. At that stage my ex bought me a flower from them. Then the next year, there was nothing from the kids that he had helped with. That was kind of tough to take at first. There was no breakfast in bed and no day off parenting, which for me, is what Mother’s Day should be about. No cooking, no cleaning and no parenting, a true day off.
I was chatting to a girlfriend last year, who is happily married, and she said I don’t even spend the morning with my kids, I take the day off, away from the family for most of the day. I didn’t quite understand this concept, but I sat with it. She books herself into a 5 star hotel in Melbourne and her family come and spend a few hours with her at the hotel pool and then they go home. She sleeps in, has breakfast bought to her room and she indulges for the first half of the day. Then, she goes home to the family and they celebrate the afternoon and evening together.
Yes you – I am talking to every single person who’s marriage or relationship ends. You must change. Now before you get all virtually cross at me, hear me out.
A very wise man once said “Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is the definition of insanity” – Albert Einstein
So let me relate this to the here and now and the business of relationships, marriage, divorce and finding yourself suddenly single. Let me also be an example and share with you why I had to change.
I had not had nearly enough time to sort my ‘stuff’ out from when my marriage ended to the next relationship. There was no time to really heal and there was not enough time to reflect on what happened, learn the lessons and then get my mojo back. I was still the same version of me, a slightly damaged version and not a better more improve version 2.0. I ignored my coach’s advice of ‘take things slow’. I took all the ‘stuff’ from my marriage into the next relationship, as it was only 10 weeks post split…. Then about 8 weeks later that relationship ended badly.
So, if I kept going on and being the same version of me, I was going to keep on attracting the same type of guy. No thanks, two was enough.
Picture this and see if it resonates even just a smidge with you. I recon it was only a few short weeks after my marriage ended and I was sitting alone on my couch feeling completely alone, like no one understood me and what I was going through. I felt completely isolated by where I lived and had been faking happiness for quite some time and failing miserably at it inside. This night in question, I remember subtly and subconsciously saying to myself “Where is my knight in shining armour that can just come along and make everything alright?”
Skip forward a few more weeks (about 10 weeks post split to be exact) and I had an unexpected friend come into my life who basically offered up all this ‘rescuing’ that I thought I needed to get through life. Someone finally coming along to make it all right and bearable. I had known this ‘someone’ for 15 years, was really close friends with his brother and considered the rest of his family to be good friends also. He absolutely adored the kids and vice versa. Basically, everything I thought I wanted, he offered. He ticked all the boxes, so I thought. First mistake.
But wait, there’s more